Well, what have we here?
What a cute little kitty.
Where's Daddy?
Well, well, well. Thank you very much.
Open up, Vince. We know you're in there.
Come on, we just wanna talk to you.
Howdy!
Who are you?
It's not really important, is it?
I was just feeding the cat, then I was gonna leave.
I asked you a question.
- Well, who are you? - We're the Klane brothers.
That's Burt, this is Morris, and I'm Bob.
- Interesting gene pool. - Don't cast dispersions.
I beg your pardon. But you're looking for Vince Benedict.
- Right. - Am I Vince Benedict?
So what difference does it make who I am?
- Hit him, Bobby. - Yeah.
Hey! All right.
Your brothers seem to have a problem with their feet.
- Could be contagious. Bye, bye. - Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- You want a doctor? - Ow!
I'll call a doctor.
Sorry I tore your shirt. I don't know what happened.
It's all right.
- Julius! - What?
- Are you allergic to something? - No.
Then why are these bumps all over your body?
You're all swelled up. You look like you're ready to explode.
Put this shirt on. There are women and children present.
And your back, it's worse than the front.
- It's like North Dakota. - You're so funny, Vincent.
This is for the T-shirt and the sandwiches.
- Born to be bad. - Yes, we are.
Ooh, you're so scary.
Linda.
Linda!
Well, what do you think?
- Let's rock and roll. - It's his first T-shirt.
- Honey, honey. - Yeah?
See if you can get us a room with a king-size bed?
- Right. - We'll get us settled. We'll meet you here.
- Okay. - Good-bye.
I don't need a king-size bed. I always sleep on the floor.
Uh, I don't know, Jules. I hope this is a good idea.
Come on.
Now, look, promise me something.
If this Professor Traven has never heard of,
you know, Mom or us twins...
or all our dads or the experiment,
you won't be upset.
All I want him to do is tell us the truth.
I don't know who you are and what you're talking about.
Get the hell out of here before I call security.
Well, that's that. On to Houston.
- He's lying! - Take it easy. He said he was gonna call security.
For the first time in my life, I'm pissed off!
Julius, don't do this to me. I got a car to deliver.
The last thing I need is a detour in the slammer.
- I'm gonna make him tell us the truth. - No!
That's our mother. Those are our six fathers.
That's Werner. And that is you.
- So start talking. - Everything okay, Dr. Traven?
Um, yes. It's okay.
I'll take care of it.
Well, Vincent,
you turned out just like I thought you would.
What did you do, escape from prison?
How'd you know my name?
I named you.
We sealed this door the day after you were born.
Well, come on in. This is what you wanted to see.
You came out first, of course.
We weren't expecting...
him.
This, uh...
must be where you made the milk shake.
We weren't making milk shakes.
We were making the most fully-developed human the world has ever seen.
But instead of just one perfect kid,
- Mom had the two of us. Way to go, Mom! - Wrong!
The embryo did split in two, but...
it didn't split equally.
All the purity and strength went into Julius.
All the crap that was left over...
went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Whoa. You telling me I'm the crap?
- This is not true. - Wait, Julius.
You're telling me that I am the leftover crap? I'm no good?
- He's wrong. - Look at him.
Are you saying that I'm a side effect?
You haven't got the brain power to understand this...
and I haven't got the time. Show's over.
Hey, dickhead.
Tell us where our mother is.
Um... Whispering Pines.
It's an artists' colony 200 miles north of Santa Fe.
If you're lying to me, I'll be back.
Come on.
My life just got flushed down the toilet.
No, Vincent. Your life is just about to begin.
I'm genetic garbage.
We're twins. We're basically the same.
Julius, I know this is a touchy subject for you,
but we don't look the same, we don't act the same,
- we don't talk the same, we don't dress the same. - I know.
So if we're so much the same, how come we're so different?
We had six fathers.
We're different parts of a lot of different people.
Yeah?
Don't forget. I was taken to a beautiful island.
I was loved. I was protected, educated.
You had nobody, Vincent.
Nobody to love you, to trust you, to encourage you.
All life taught you was that the only person you...
could count on was yourself.
You see, Vincent,
you're the missing part of my life.
And I'm the missing part of your life.
When we find Mama,
we can fill the missing part of hers.
We won't be alone anymore.
We can be a family.
A family?
Yes.
You mean, like, with a Christmas tree,
and Thanksgiving dinner?
And a real home,
where you'll always be welcome.
Always?
Even when you've been bad.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, ooh.
Yes, um-mm. Oh, look.
- Is this really necessary? - Yes, of course it's necessary.
I'm not going to introduce you to my mother looking like a goat herder from Albania.
You need clothes.
- But I feel fine the way I am. - But you look like a...
- Hello, can I help you? - Do I look like I need help?
Here's the problem. We gotta do a whole ensemble.
- Do I look okay? - You look better. Let's put it that way.
You know what we have to do, Jules?
We gotta work on the way you're walking.
You look a little stiff. You ever see "Frankenstein"?
- I read the book. - That's not gonna help.
When you walk, you gotta walk like you're moving to music,
and I don't mean a military march.
Like, you know, Aretha Franklin and Otis Redding...
and Wilson Pickett, a couple of white people.
- Like this? - Yeah. Bop! That's it.
- Yeah, loose! - Oh, I like that.
I got something for you. Try these on.
- Sunglasses? - Yeah, here you go.
Now, that's it. There. Yeah!
That's it. Yeah!
- Whoops! - Whoa!
- Do I look cool now? - Mr. Ice.
Yeah, just breeze on through. Yeah!
Tonight
Tonight's the night
It's gonna be a good night, bro
And everything's gonna happen, bro
And you take her in your arms
And you plant a good one on her... ho
Tonight's the night
Tonight, tonight, tonight
Tonight is your night, bro
Yeah, it's your night, bro!
Oh yeah, bro You're gonna do it
You're gonna cut it
You're making me nervous!
- Well, you're nervous. - You've got to help me.
- What? - I've never been out on a date before.
- That's okay. - I don't know what to do.
Well, you talk to her. You buy her a couple of drinks.
You dance with her, bro
You gonna dance with
You dance?
- Oh, you probably never did that before, either. - No.
Oh, well, look.
All right.
The first thing is, Jules,
forget about disco.
- Right? No disco. - No disco.
When I really wanna romance a girl...
I waltz with her.
Rah-tah-tah Rah-tah-tah
- You mean, like Strauss? - Yeah.
It turns 'em into putty in your hands.
Rump-bump-bum Diddilly-ump-bump
Rump-bump-bum, Rump-bump-bum Rump-bump-bum
Come on, let's assume the dance position.
I'll give you a couple of pointers.
- I really appreciate that. - Come on. Let's go.
I hope nobody's looking in the window.
Come on, like this. Here you go.
Put your feet by my feet. Come on. Let's go.
By my feet...
not on my feet. Thanks very much.
- Sorry, Vincent. - Minor oversight.
Grab my hand. Come on.
Yeow! Ah! Ease up!
- Tiny bit. Let the blood flow through the fingers. - Oh, like loose?
- See, come on. That's it, relax. - I'm just nervous.
Okay, one, two, three. One, two, three.
- One, two, three. - One, two, three.
- Don't, no.
- One, two, three. - See what you're doing with your teeth?
You're grinding them. Don't grind your teeth.
Relax your jaws, yeah.
Now try to count without moving your lips, all right?
- One, two, three. - One, two, three.
See? That's it. You're not wrestling a boar...
300 miles south, southwest of Fiji.
If I die for this dance
Hold you and talk of
Romance
I've never been lucky
I've got to take a chance
I'm caught up in some kind of trance
And yes I would die for this dance
Where did you come from
Out of nowhere it seems
- May be an angel - Good, Jules.
Smiling on me
I know it's crazy
You've taken my heart
I'll never leave you
You're my missing part
Yes I'd die for this dance
Hold you and talk of romance
I've never been lucky I've got to take a chance
Yeah!
I'm caught up in some kind of trance
Yes I would die for this dance
Way to go, Jules!
Ahhh!
Did you know they had beer in Ancient Egypt?
- Oh, yeah? - No.
It was actually the Assyrians that developed the beer.
The Egyptians were the first to perfect the malt process.
- You know a lot about beer. - He knows about everything.
It's all from books. Until tonight, I've never had a beer.
All theory, no practice. The story of my life.
- Awww! - We're gonna change all that.
Aren't we, Marnie?
- Marnie. - What?
Am I shit-faced yet?
Excuse me, but... my back teeth are floating.
Excuse me, I have to check if my back teeth are floating.
Good shot.
Woo-hoo! Ooo!
Oh, God. We both flushed at the same time before we did it.
Yeah, right. Woo-hoo!
Hey, Jules. Marnie's got the hots for you, babe.
Tonight is your lucky night. I know it.
- I don't think Marnie likes me. - You kidding? Piece of cake.
This woman is ripe. You're nervous...
because it's your first time. Perfectly natural.
Really.
Were you nervous the first time?
I was 12 years old and she was a nun. Talk about pressure.
Whoa!
Come on, hit 'em.
- What? - Hit 'em, hit 'em.
Oh, hit 'em, hit 'em.
Julius...
you know...
Julius, I have to admit this.
Since you and I first met, uh,
my life has been just getting better and better.
Mine, too.
I'm so happy, Vincent.
I feel like sometimes, like...
- picking you up and hug you... - Whoa!
And hug you, hug you, hug you.
Hey, he's my brother.
Oh, lay off the beer, Julius.
Did you tell anyone we were coming to Santa Fe?
I called work and told them we wouldn't be in for a few days.
Oh, I forgot to tell you we were fired.
- Oh, no. - You hated that job.
- Nice of your boss to tell us where we could find you. - Oh, no.
Hi, girls, you don't mind if we join you and listen to some music.
The Klane boys. What an unpleasant surprise.
Vince, this has gone way beyond...
- a case of simple loan delinquency. - We don't like being shot.
Shot? Who shot you?
- What do you want? - We want to take Vince...
- out to the parking lot and kill him. - Ohhh, owww!
Don't you think that's a little drastic?
Let's go.
Don't touch him.
Ohhh!
Hey, big fella.
You wouldn't want me to hurt the lovely lady, would you?
You moved too soon.
- What? - The second rule in a crisis:
Uh-oh. He's startin' that funny talk, again.
If you choose to bluff,
you must be prepared to have your bluff called.
This is no bluff.
These are my cousins, Sam and Dave.
Get these jerks outta here.
I'm so proud of you. I love when you hit people.
You got a lot of rules, Jules.
What a day.
First we visited our birthplace,
then we bought new clothes.
I got a bucket of ice and a very good bottle of wine.
- Then we danced the waltz. - Yes, we did.
- It's too bright. - Then we got into a fight.
- We have this beautiful room. - Perfect. Yes, it is beautiful.
Life just doesn't get better than this.
- Oh, yes, it does. Good night. - Where are you going?
I'm gonna go tuck Linda in and maybe read her a bedtime story.
Don't wait up for me.
Tonight is your night, bro
It's your night, bro
Oh, Vincent, you locked yourself out.
L...
- Marnie. - Hi.
- Vince and Linda wanna be alone,
so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to stay here tonight.
- You mean you're gonna sleep here tonight? - Uh-huh.
Which bed should I take?
Either bed will be fine.
I always sleep on the floo...
- Good night. - Good night.
Julius.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Oh, no. - What?
- What's the matter? - This bed is lumpy.
You mind if I share the floor with you?
You're teasing me, aren't you?
A little.
What do I do now?
We'll figure it out.
- Oh, Vince. - Tonight is our night, bro
Why are you doing that now?
Mom hasn't seen me in all these years.
I wanna look my best.
- Tonight - Your mom's gonna love you whatever you look like.
And you look really good.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
So like this. One, two, three.
Are you a little nervous?
27, 28, no, 29.
- Just a little. - Nine, ten.
- Linda. - What?
Like, what if she's disappointed in me?
If she's disappointed, then she's a fake.
I don't know what else a mom could want in a son.
- Huh? - You're right.
You're right, you're right. Why am I worried?
- What am I worried about? - I don't know.
You got it all.
- I couldn't do this without you, Linda. - Yeah.
You know, I've been thinking...
- that when we get back... - Yeah?
I think we should move in together.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no. - It's not "Oh, no."
- It's not no, no, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to get married and it's not that I wanna...
keep track of you, because I don't need to.
I just wanna live with you.
It'd be fun.
Linda, look at me.
Do I look like somebody who could play house?
I'm cranky in the morning, I'm grouchy in the afternoon,
I'm moody at night, I'm like miserable.
I know what you're like.
Let's sleep on it, okay? Sleep on it.
- Okay, one night. - This is going to be great.
Tomorrow I'm taking my best girl to meet my mom. I'm so excited.
- Your best girl? - Yeah, you, you.
- Linda, there's no other girls. Not anymore. - Yeah?
- Just you. - There better not be. Know why?
- Why? - 'Cause I only have eyes for you
- That sounds familiar. - It's a good song.
You like that song, huh?
And I only have eyes
For you she-bop she-bop
She-bop she-bop
I only have eyes for you She-bop she-bop
Just for you She-bop she-bop
Oh, it's huge.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Not to mention valuable.
Real estate like this is worth a fortune.
You mustn't always think about money.
You got me all wrong, Julius.
I'm just saying it's nice Mom's loaded.
That's a worry she won't have to have in her old age.
Hello, can I help you?
- Yes, yes, yes. - Oh, um, excuse me.
We are looking for Mary Ann Benedict, please.
I'm sorry, but that's not possible.
Look, we've come a long way.
And believe me, she's gonna be very happy to see us.
You're gonna have to write to the Benedict Foundation stating your business.
I'm sorry. Good day.
- Foundation? - Millions, Julius.
Mama's rich. We gotta go see her.
Buckaroos.
- Let's get in there. We gotta talk to her. - We sneak in.
- How is it? - Yeah, it's clear. Throw me over.
Okay.
Vince? Vince, are you okay?
Yeah, shut up. Come on, come on.
What a lovely day.
Hey, Vincent, don't you think this is Mama?
It could be. Yeah.
Don't just stand there. Go introduce yourselves.
Hey!
- Should you people be here? - Uh-oh.
That depends on how you feel personally about trespassing.
Does he always try to be funny like that?
- We're looking for Miss Mary Ann Benedict. - Yeah.
- Is she here? - Yeah, she's here.
She's here!
Sneaking in like that, I should call the police.
No, no, no. You don't want to do anything like that.
This is not your everyday, average situation.
She's our mother, is the thing.
- We're her sons. - Twin sons.
You're comedians.
- No. - No. We...
We're kind of a surprise.
I'll bet you are. Follow me.
- We were right. - It is her.
Excuse me.
- We thought that this is... - Mary Ann Benedict?
This is an artists' colony. There are a lot of painters.
Come on.
I can't wait to meet her.
- Yeah. - It's gotta be amazing.
Look. Mary Ann Benedict never understood...
why people wanted to buy her paintings.
But for a brief period, they were considered valuable.
She used the money to buy Whispering Pines.
May I ask you a question?
Why do you keep referring to her in the past tense?
Because...
she passed away some time ago.
She passed...
You jus... You just said she was here.
I meant, her spirit. Her spirit is always here.
Come on.
Can we get the hell out of here, please?
Those damn real estate developers!
They won't be happy until they turn this into a golf course.
Oh, is that who they were?
They're shameless. They'll try anything.
Do you know those men claim to be my twin sons?
- If you can believe that! - What?
It was really quite upsetting.
Mary Ann, I am sorry.
It's all right. It doesn't matter.
You get over things.
I did have a child once.
But he died at birth.
You should be proud of her.
She donates her house, land,
and all her paintings to young artists.
Linda, do I look like a young artist?
- All she meant... - I know what she meant, and why she's here.
It's got nothing to do with finding my mother,
and everything to do with money.
- That's not true and you know it. - Bullshit!
Take it easy, Vincent. This is not her fault.
Look who decided to chime in!
The creature from the Black Lagoon.
I should've had my head examined listening to you.
A deal-of-a-lifetime opportunity,
and I'm out looking for a dead mother.
- All I wanted was to make us into a family. - Family, my butt!
There's no family here.
There's nothin' here except me and three losers.
I don't know why I listen to people.
- I don't know why I do it. - Cut it out.
Vince!
- I'm leaving. - No, stop!
Stop! What are you doing?
You're acting like a fourth-grader.
Where do you think you're going?
He dumped us in the middle of New Mexico.
I can't...
Julius!
You don't know this,
and I promised Vince that I wouldn't tell you,
but he's got something in the trunk that's worth millions.
I'm worried he's gonna get himself killed delivering it.
Okay, yeah. Yes, Mr. Beetroot.
Yeah, I'll find it. Yeah.
Yes, I have a map.
All right. I'll see you there.
See you in Houston in the morning.
I'll be looking forward to it.
What a coincidence.
That was our friend.
Looks like I'm gonna be doing business with... him.
Sorry.
I would have done the same thing.
You want the merchandise. It's not your problem who delivers.
Precisely.
But how will you find him?
I have him in my head.
I found him once, I'll find him again.
I hope so. Bye.
Be careful.
Brother to brother
One to another
Like no other
Brother to brother Brother to brother
Never knew you existed
Never saw you in my dreams
If there were signs I must've missed 'em
Who would I believe
Now all of a sudden
We're sharing this skin
Like a shadow you stick to me
Through every jam I'm in
Brother to brother
You took me by the hand brother to brother
You helped me understand one to another
There'll never be another No, no
Brother to brother my brother
When I felt like a zero
You became my hero
One to another
You have been my brother
My brother Whoa
Brother to brother
When I was up against the wall
About to take a really big fall
Sorry I'm late.
- The directions you gave me weren't... - Step back.
Get over here.
I'm unarmed.
He's clean.
Oh, oh. Isn't that pretty!
Yeah, it is.
- Did you come here alone, unarmed? - Yeah.
You're just some fool who stole a car?
Yeah, I guess I am.
You don't know what the hell this is, do you?
No.
Revolutionary fuel-injection system for jets.
Worth a fortune to the company that brings it to the market first.
Somebody else developed it, but I just had to have it.
Crafty devil, huh?
What are you waiting for?
Wait a minute, Beetroot!
- I thought we had a deal. - We do.
Five million bucks!
- You wanna count it? - No, no.
- But I could use a lift to town. - Don't press your luck.
Okay. That's all right.
I gassed it up for you, Beetroot. Thank you!
Five million dollars! Five million bucks!
Ha-ha-ha! Five million bucks!
I've gotta look at it!
Uh-oh.
Hey, Benedict!
All I want is the money.
Just give me what's mine and I'll leave you alone.
Steps! Steps!
Leave my brother alone.
No.
You.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Julius, you're... you're here?
No. No, you idiot.
Don't be nervous.
I hate violence. Plus I never carry a gun.
Who are you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Put the gun down. I got the money.
Here's your money. Here's your money.
Here's the money.
You're a goddamned millionaire.
You, I am never gonna forgive... never.
- Open it. - Open it?
You were going to get killed.
- I was trying to distract him so you could escape. - I already had escaped!
I was halfway to Brazil when I felt you!
- Close it. - Close it?
Open it, close it. Open it, close it.
- Why didn't you go? - Why didn't I go?
Because thanks to you, I'm not only a goddamned psychic...
Benedict!
- I think the case belongs to me. - Oh, sorry.
I got this disease called a conscience.
- No one ever said being good was easy. - "No one ever said..."
Will you two shut up!
Butt out, pal! You got your money.
Now take it and go live in the lap of luxury somewhere.
Try Brazil.
It doesn't work that way. You've seen my face.
Which one's first?
You gonna kill us, even though we gave you the money?
You got it.
Wait, you forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
- The third rule? - Third rule?
Yeah, third rule.
Oooh!
- The third rule. - What's the third rule?
Duck!
Yo!
Holy-shmoly!
Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
Thanks for coming back, Vincent.
We're brothers, right?
- We're family. - That's right.
A rich family.
- A good family. - What? What?
- We're gonna return this money. - No.
- We don't have to give it back. - Yes, we do.
- Why? Why? - We have to, believe me.
- Mary Ann? - Hmm?
I think you'd better come take a look at this.
What is it?
Mary Ann?
What a pleasant surprise.
You stole my family.
You lying son of a bitch.
Linda, I'm sorry.
I made a terrible mistake and I apologize.
L... All I'm asking for is another chance.
I know I don't deserve this...
That's right, you don't deserve it.
Vince?
Yes, this is the Benedict Corporation.
We are a consulting firm... a think tank.
Something like the Rand Corporation.
- Only smarter. - Only smarter.
Tomorrow at 3:00.
Yes, I'll put you down.
Good night, Mr. Benedicts.
- Good night. - Good night.
That's it. The last check is written.
What do we have left out of the $50,000 reward?
After we've paid off all our debts,
we have exactly $12,278.
- $12,278. That's terrible. - What?
You're just upset because I made you return that suitcase.
Oh, the money.
You mean the four million dollars.
Four million dollars. Just say it.
Say it... four million dollars.
It's a lot of money, Jules.
Vincent... I'm very proud of you.
Well...
yeah, I'm kinda proud of myself.
Isn't it great to be one of the good guys for a change?
It feels great to be a good guy!
You're a great guy, too. You came back for me, huh?
- You did steal a car though. - I borrowed one.
I brought it back the next day. I explained it to the man.
He was a cowboy.
Excuse me? I'm...
Oh, my God. I don't even know which one is which.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
You see, I didn't believe your story.
Who would believe a crazy story like that?
They lied to me all these years.
They lied to you, too.
You found each other.
Now you found me.
Mama?
Mama!
Oh, Mama!
Good.
Tickets?
Thanks. This is gonna be great.
I just can't get over how alike they are.
Yes, it's a beautiful day.